To: Staff

From: If You Don’t Know Who I Am By Now You Shouldn’t Be Working Here

Subject: P.A.S.S. or Parentally Approved Skip School Day

Staff:

I’ve heard rumblings that some of you are planning to keep your children home from school on September 8^th because you don’t want them viewing the live feed from President Obama’s Back to School Speech. You don’t want him indoctrinating your kids with his Commie-speak. And that’s completely your prerogative. What I want to address is how this “Parentally Approved Skip School Day” will affect your work on Tuesday. Let me put it plainly so there’s no confusion: IT WON’T. It’s rather sad that I have to list what is unacceptable, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it.

Just because your kids are not in school doesn’t mean we want them here. We’re a place of business, not a daycare, so don’t bother packing up their lunchboxes and dragging them in here with you on Tuesday morning. And don’t act like you were confused about the contents of this e-mail. “Oh, I thought you meant no kids under five! I assumed Susie would be OK sitting beside me at my desk.” Uh uh. Not going to happen.

Moving on. Let me address those of you who see this as an opportunity to make your three-day weekend become a full blown four-day vacation. This is not Parent Skip day. We’re not off on Tuesday, so don’t try calling in talking about you’re “sick,” while we hear the sounds of your child singing in the car or getting ready to ride an amusement park ride. This also applies to those who don’t have children. Don’t make up some random child’s name on Tuesday as an excuse for why you have to leave suddenly. If you’ve been here for more than nine months and no one has heard you mention little Michael, leave him out of your mouth on Tuesday.

Finally, for those staff members planning to protest outside of the school building with “Keep Your Hands off My Child, Obama!” posters – just know that we do have televisions in the office. If we see you on television protesting when you were supposed to be on your 20-minute break, don’t bother coming up with a lie for why you were late coming back to your desk. This also accounts for those mysteriously missing from the office, but continuously updating your Facebook/Twitter accounts proclaiming how proud you are that you took your kids out of school that day.

Not reading the contents of this e-mail and claiming you didn’t know you couldn’t take off on Tuesday is also not a valid reason for your absence. If for some reason I’ve forgotten any possible excuse you could come up with for not coming into the office on Tuesday, just know that it’s not going to fly unless you have proof that you’re actually sick or dying.

Have a productive day,

Management.

Setting: The dictionary and thesaurus decide to watch television while the owner of the home is away.

Thesaurus: It’s my turn to have the remote today, so get ready to watch whatever I want. In fact, after what you made us watch last time, I’m just going to put it on scan and we’ll watch whatever the TV lands on.

Dictionary: But what if it’s something you don’t want to watch either? Wouldn’t it be easier to just pick a channel yourself?

Thesaurus: It’s my day to pick, so I’ll pick the way I want to. Stop trying to control everything!

The scan lands on Fox News during Glenn Beck’s program.

Dictionary: You sure you don’t want to change the channel?

Thesaurus: Didn’t I say stop trying to run stuff? Just sit there and watch. Ooh, goody, he’s making an acronym on a chalk board of the topics he’s going to talk about later. SCORE!

Dictionary: Looks like the words are Obama, The Left, Internationalist, Graft, Acorn, Revolutionaries and Hidden Agendas.

Thesaurus: Now he’s circling letters and he’s going to make an acronym. See this is right up our alley. And you doubted my methods…

Dictionary:  Wait a minute; did he just spell oligarh out of those words? He’s missing a C!

On the TV: “One letter is missing,” Beck says.

Thesaurus: He’s about to add it now! Calm down.

On the TV: “The one that’s missing is Y,” Beck says as he steps away from the chalk board.

Dictionary: What about the C?!! Did he forget? Where’s he going? Is someone off-camera going to remind him of the C?

Thesaurus: Now he’s moved on to something else! Does he not know there’s a C in oligarchy? Shouldn’t someone have caught that?

On the TV: “You’ve got to know you’re not alone – you’ve gotta unite, and talk to people!”

Dictionary: What’s he talking about now?

Thesaurus: I don’t know. Of course I know I’m not alone! I’m always hanging out with you, Dictionary.

Dictionary: I’m still waiting on that C.

Thesaurus: I don’t think that C is coming.

Dictionary: Now he’s talking about he’s tired of being a sheep and being pushed around. Who’s pushing him around? What’s with all the vagueness? Am I just supposed to know how he became a sheep and who’s pushing him around?

Thesaurus: Looks like you have to tune in tomorrow to find out.

On the TV: “From New York, Good Night America.” Fades to commercial.

Dictionary: I’m still waiting on that C.

Thesaurus: Just let it go! It’s not coming!

Dictionary: I think your days in charge of the remote should be revoked after this little experiment…

I AM fried, and laid down on the side

I AM crispy, yet soft

I AM filled with so many calories you won’t need to eat another meal that day

I AM filled with a nice creamy center

I AM a bacon lover

I AM extra cheesy

I AM coming to clog an artery near you

I AM the home of the souls of hormone and antibiotic-filled chickens

I AM so wrong, how can’t I be right?

I AM so good you won’t need a side dish

I AM so special I don’t need bread

I AM a KFC creation

I AM just crazy enough to start a KFC chicken shortage and subsequent riot/protest

I AM an odd follow-up to a supposedly healthy grilled chicken option

I AM only being test-marketed right now

I AM the KFC Double Down Sandwich, and best believe, I am coming to a KFC near you

Story here.

Dear Tyra Journal:

(Because I’m deep like that. I still keep a journal for my innermost thoughts and feelings.)

I’m sooo excited about the 13th season of America’s Next Top Model! People are not ready for this. AT all. Silly critics have been saying the show fell off a long time ago and no one cares anymore, but I’m not going to let their negativity bring me – and ANTM by extension – down. Girls are rioting in the streets to audition for my show! Not many people can say that. So what if most of the girls after Top Models don’t exactly become top models? They get a chance that so many girls only wish they could. They get to spend weeks with ME. Just how many up and coming models can say that? Who else is going to tell them to smile with their eyes and not pose so commercially? Exactly. If for some reason they can’t find success after ANTM, they can model on my talk show. If modeling on the Tyra Banks show isn’t success, I don’t know what is.

And ANTM is about so much more than just modeling. It’s about giving these girls an opportunity to exploit them for TV ratings to grow and become their best selves. About improving the inside and the outside. And who’s there all along the way pushing them for greatness? Mama Tyra.

This season is all about shedding those outer layers. “Celebrating inner and outer beauty and owning and rocking what you’ve got.” That’s why I stripped all the way down to my beige body suit on the streets of New York to promote the show! You have to rock what you’ve got. Believe me; the girls this season have a lot. We’re breaking down so many barriers this year because all of the models are 5’7” and under. That is GROUNDBREAKING. Because of Ms. Tyra, the modeling industry won’t shut out shorter models any longer. I’m opening that door.

And if all of the above isn’t reason enough for why this season will be the greatest thing ever to air on television, me, Tyra, yes me, am going to say goodbye (well, more like see you in a bit) to my weaves and wigs. Gasp! I know! Me without a wig is like a preacher with no bible, like sun with no sky. But I’m willing to go without those pieces of myself this season because it’s bigger than lace front. So much bigger. It’s about showing your natural self and being proud. Not that I’m not proud of my many wigs and weaves, but I’m proud of whatever is underneath them as well.

So I’m got a few butterflies – I mean who wouldn’t before this type of groundbreaking season – but everything will be OK. We might just discover the next Kate Moss. All because of this 5’7” and under gimmick special season. But most of all, people will tune in, oh yes they will tune in, to see me without the long weaves covering my lovely face. Because I’m fierce with or without a weave. September 8^th for the big hair reveal!!!

Love Tyra!

Setting: PETA Headquarters days after the backlash from their recent campaigns.

The marketing assistant nervously opened the door to the vice president’s office. This would have to be the week that his boss got sick with the flu. She couldn’t have stumbled out of bed for just this one meeting? Sigh.

As he continued his inner monologue, he realized that he was standing there in a daze and the vice president and communications director were staring directly at him. “Because Patricia isn’t here, you’ll have to do as the marketing rep,” the vice president said briskly. “Go ahead and sit down so we can start.”

Taking out the folder of articles and research Patricia handed him the day before; he sat down across from the vice president and communications director. “Things aren’t looking too good –” he began. “Tell us something we don’t know!” the V.P. yelled. “All the fat people are upset with us over that billboard, parents upset over that genius McDonalds campaign, and to top it all off, that Michael Vick is back in the NFL! I think we know things aren’t looking too good!”

“OK, um, well let me start with the billboard. Here’s just one of the editorials written by someone who finds it offensive. They even have a quote from you in there –” The V.P. grabbed the article from his hands and skimmed it quickly.

“So what if they found the ‘Save the Whales’ campaign offensive? It’s supposed to get their attention.”

The communications director had been silent so far, but at this point, she jumped in as well. “Do you know how much weight I’ve lost since I stopped eating meat? These critics don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re just trying to pacify all the fatties in this country by letting them think being obese is OK.”

“Well, the biggest issue is that we seem insensitive,” the marketing assistant said.

“Eff all those blubber-filled whales. At least we got people talking about the issue. Next problem?” the V.P. asked.

“Well, the McDonald’s campaign didn’t go over too well either. Apparently some parents weren’t all that crazy about the whole Unhappy Meals thing.”

“How can they be mad at us?!” the communications director asked. “They should be mad at McDonalds and themselves for feeding their kids frozen cruelty meat!”

“Well, we should attempt to bring down the heat on at least one of these,” the marketing assistant said. “I don’t think they’re going to just die down like the stupid – err not stupid – President Obama killing the fly story.”

“Are you trying to say we’re in the wrong here?” the V.P. asked. “Because if you’re not down with the mission, you can be replaced. Go on back to your desk and call Patricia to tell her we’re going to call her for an over the phone conference meeting in about 30 minutes.”

The marketing assistant gathered his folder and went back to his desk. Patricia was NOT going to be happy about this.

He accidentally brought up the browser on his computer when he bumped the mouse with his folder. The Twitter page he’d been looking at before the meeting with searches for PETA had updated:

“Did you know that PETA has slaughtered almost 20,000 pets since 1998? Search it if you don’t believe me.”

“I suspect they secretly perform human sacrifice at PETA meetings.”

“Dear PETA: I ate some bacon today! Suck it! Now I will eat a cheeseburger! Suck it some more!”

Let me repeat/fix that: PETA is a counter-intelligence agency using racism & sexism to promote their Taliban policies against our freedoms.

Even though I don’t care for PETA, I think people get offended too easily.

Well, at least they’re not all that negative, he thought. And picked up the phone to explain to Patricia why she had to meet with the execs from her sickbed.

To: Michelle Obama

From: Pair of Shorts

Subject: Shorts Controversy

Mrs. Obama/First Lady of the United States:

I’m sooo sorry about the recent controversy that sprung up after you wore me last week to visit the Grand Canyon. I didn’t mean for that to happen at all. I don’t know what I could have done… If only I had been an inch or two longer, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I can’t change the past, but I just wanted you to know how badly I feel about this whole incident. It was my fault. From now on, please forward any negative feedback about you wearing the shorts to me.

Sorry again,

Shorts

To: Pair of Shorts

From: Michelle Obama

Subject: Re: Shorts Controversy

Shorts,

No need to apologize. There’s no way you could have seen this coming. And even if you did try to warn me, I would have still worn you anyway. It was hot, so I pulled you out of the closet. There’s nothing you could have done to stop me.

All of the people criticizing are just mad because they couldn’t rock you like I did, even if they tried. But honestly, this criticism is tame compared to what I’ve faced before. Remember the whole “She’s not proud of her country” controversy and The New Yorker cover with me and my hubby? And the whole to do about me touching the Queen?

This is nothing. So calm down. Don’t get all up in a bunch over this because I’ve been criticized harsher than this and I’m still here. But don’t get too comfy in the closet or try to move to the back where I can’t see you – I may just pull you out again before the summer ends just to make them even madder.

Love,

Michelle O, FLOTUS

Welcome to my new creative writing blog!

I’ll be putting a fun spin on current events because reality is relative, and this is the way I see it. (Yes, I played Raphael Saadiq’s latest album to death.)

I’ve only started this blog, and already it’s been a true Relax.Relate.Release experience. If you don’t know where that saying comes from, please Google Debbie Allen.

I had so much fun creating the site and writing the first few posts. I hope you enjoy reading them.

Thanks for stopping by!